I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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