I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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