you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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