I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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