i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
