Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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