I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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