How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
