Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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