Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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