I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
