i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
