I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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