Im at strip club and am horny
I want to have your abortion
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
