glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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