my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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