i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
