ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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