Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
