somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Plan B is the new Plan A
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
