I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
