Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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