just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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