everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
