i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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