this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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