How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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