I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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