I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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