every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
