I showed him my bush... on skype.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
