he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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