you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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