What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
