Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
