Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
