I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
