You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
