it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
