no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
