I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
