It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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