I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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