I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
