I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
