Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
