I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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