youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
