nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
