ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
