I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
