I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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