just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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